Will Santa fly solo or be a super-spreader this Christmas?

Of course, it’s not all bad news. COVID-19 rules mean that many workplaces have done away with the annual Christmas party, with a resultant decrease in the amount of liver damage, broken photocopiers and bosses who’ve been told “what people really think of you”.

Another positive: an excuse to avoid bricks-and-mortar retailing. No more trailing around the mall, staring gormlessly at the displays, hoping that a gift will suggest itself as “just perfect for a 62-year-old man with no interests in life”, or “a 22-year-old new age anarchist who believes that all material possessions are an act of theft”.

Just buy 27 pairs of socks from an online merino sock company in regional NSW — Crookwell and Forbes both have them — and be done with it. I know I will. If any family member complains the gift doesn’t seem sensitive to their needs or interests, just mutter gruffly, “you’ve got feet, haven’t you, so I think it’s perfectly chosen”.

When it comes to Christmas Day, the limited numbers allowed under COVID-19 also present an opportunity to dump whoever is considered your most difficult relative – a position that, admittedly, remains highly contested.

If you have an excuse to cut one person, will it be Tim, the Trump-supporting godson; Bronwyn, the kleptomaniac maiden aunt; or Uncle Terry, the anti-vaxxer with halitosis? Maybe Dr Kerry Chant could do us all a favour and whack on a Christmas Day limit of six.

Once everyone is gathered inside your home, social distancing rules can be used to your advantage.

You’d love to help Granddad put up the cardboard pirate boat he generously purchased for his grandchildren – “just 74 easy-to-assemble parts” – but COVID-19 rules demand that you go to another room and have a quiet drink in blissful solitude. Surely, with the help of three sugar-crazed toddlers, the old boy will manage fine.

In fact, social distancing should be your rule right through the day.

Someone needs to peel the prawns and do the washing-up while the main course is being prepared? We’d all love to help, but are too aware of the need for social distancing.

So your nephew and your father are having a fierce argument about the role, or otherwise, of franking credits in the determination of the 2019 Australian Federal Election, but – considering COVID-19 – would it not be safer for you to go to bed for an hour with a damp cloth across your forehead?

And that game of backyard cricket, in which you’ll be stuck for hours in the hot sun, right at the point you could be snoozing in a hammock? Oh, you’d love to play, but under the “one person per two square metre” rule, you will reluctantly have to cede your space to others.

Meanwhile, up at the North Pole, work goes on. Christmas music fills the workshop. The elves have chosen a COVID-19-safe album from Michael Buble, as that’s French for “bubble”. They have their own COVID-19 monitor, who enforces the rules set by the local Department of Elf.

Santa, of course, will need special dispensation to fly to Australia from the North Pole, and the rules may vary from state to state. Annastacia Palaszczuk, as the elves realise, will be checking latest infection figures right up until Christmas Eve, deciding whether to shut the border.

Aware of these sensitivities, they try not to share tools and – as much as they can – leave the windows open, though this leaves their tiny fingers at risk of frostbite.

All this makes the work that much harder. So if you don’t get exactly what you want this Christmas, I hope you’ll be forgiving.

Spare them a thought as they work away. Space us all a thought. And wish yourselves a COVID-19-safe Christmas.