children should face risks and challenges

Socially awkward situations are learning and growing opportunities. When your child is faced with a difficult situation at school, or a disagreement with a friend, talk to them about it. Ask them what they want out of the situation and what consequences they need to face with it. Role play how they might handle it. Remember that the best outcome of an uncomfortable social situation is that your child learns from it. We need to learn how to deal with all types of people. These sorts of interactions and events shape the person we become.

The first time my then six-year-old son, Jack, told me I seemed stressed I was both horrified and proud. I didn’t want him to know I was stressed, but I was impressed that he could recognise and identify the emotion.

This does not mean that you should ignore bullying or serious issues. It does mean that when you do step in, it should be because the issue is serious enough to justify you doing so, and because your child has already tried to deal with it on their own.

The worst parenting decision would be to deal with your child’s issues in a way that they find embarrassing, because then they won’t tell you about them anymore. Instead, build a relationship focused on communication. It’s about giving your child the tools they need to deal with these situations, and trusting that they will, and them knowing that they can ask for advice when they need it.

Suck at something

We all suck at one thing, at least. Me, I suck at handball. Sometimes when students play it at school they ask me to join in, and it is embarrassing. Yes, yes, I know I should have a growth mindset, but honestly, isn’t it OK to just suck at a few things? I’m not prepared to dedicate 10,000 hours to honing my handball skills just so I don’t feel like a numpty in front of a bunch of teenagers. The fact is, to develop competencies in students, we need to expose them to activities they may not be competent at. Not all activities will suit all children. That is not a reason to avoid trying them out. This is especially the case if your child is really good at something.

Imagine for a second that your child is excellent at a particular sport and plays it all through school, and then for some reason in year 11 they don’t get into the team. That would be really hard for your child and the family.

I’ve seen this happen to many students. Often people find the first rejection the hardest, simply because they’ve never gone through it. Encouraging your child to try activities that they may not be brilliant at – and encouraging them to persevere with those activities – allows for conversations that also develop social emotional learning.

It reminds them that there are activities they won’t excel at and strengthens the confidence they have in the activities they are competent in. It gives them the experience of knowing what it’s like to not have that competence, and the empathy to help mates who are going through moments of rejection. Remember, life is hardest for those who have always had it easy.

Show weakness

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As a parent, it is common to want to be an unbreakable superhero. And that is understandable – you always want to be the best parent you can be. But it is very difficult to raise children who believe that failure is a normal part of life, if they never see us fail.

I have spoken to parents whose children are going through difficulties – maybe academic, maybe social, it could be anything. The parents usually tell me that they’ve been through all of these experiences themselves. But if your kids aren’t seeing you experience the frustrations of life, they may not believe you when you tell them that mistakes are part of learning, or start espousing growth mindsets and grit.

Parenting is hard, and it’s OK to admit that sometimes, and to be tired. Parents are juggling more in their lives than ever before – whether it’s full-time work, or being a single parent, staying on top of communication from school and day care, or those extracurricular activities that mean
the school day never seems to end.

Your children should not be your sounding board after a bad day at home or at work, but a bit of honesty now and then can be helpful. If your child tells you they had a bad day at school, let them know you have bad days too, and that’s OK. The first time my then six-year-old son, Jack, told me I seemed stressed I was both horrified and proud. I didn’t want him to know I was stressed, but I was impressed that he could recognise and identify the emotion. If you give your children the opportunity to see you experiencing your emotions honestly, then they will feel safe in theirs.

Understand when something goes wrong

Life has risks, plans get cancelled, things go wrong. It is how we deal with these things that defines us – our resilience in really crappy times. It’s all well and good to be resilient when everything is going well, it’s another when everything turns upside down.

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In 2020 we saw the whole world stop as everyone retreated into their homes to flatten the curve of the coronavirus. Plans were upended, schools were shut, jobs and lives were lost. My daughter Alice, who was only three at the time, did not mind having more time at home, but Jack really felt the loss of his friends and would often get frustrated with his little sister.

As parents it’s natural to want to avoid disappointing your kids by changing plans or by not letting them attend their friend’s birthday because you have to go to Great-aunt Beryl’s 80th instead. But as adults, we often have to do something we don’t want to do (go to a five-year-old’s birthday party, for example) instead of what we want to do. Ultimately, we have to get kids used to this at some point, right?

So how do you talk to your kids about things going wrong? You can keep it in perspective – remind them that there is still love and gratitude in life. You can talk to them about option B: what will you do now that you know you can’t go ahead with the original plan? How can you make another plan, one that could be even more fun?

When something goes wrong, know that your child is learning how to handle it, and that is preparing them for future experiences.

Edited extract from 50 Risks to Take with Your Kids (Hardie Grant) by Daisy Turnbull, on sale now.

This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale February 21. To read more from Sunday Life, visit The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age.