Thomas Mitchell on how to survive a disastrous day

Sadly, I didn’t have my driver’s license at that time, let alone any idea how to start a manual ute from the 1950s. But rather than admit defeat, I persevered, and through a combination of luck and situational panic, I managed to miraculously get it started.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have as much success stopping the car, and so it was that I found myself guiding the ute through the back wall of the garage, causing the entire structure to collapse around me, seemingly in slow motion.

The impact simultaneously obliterated a family heirloom while also dislodging an old wasps nest. When I finally pried myself free from the vehicle, I felt a twinge in my neck, which turned out to be the queen repeatedly stinging me – a fitting punchline to a comedy of errors.

This catastrophic episode led me to write Today I F****d Up, a collection of true stories based on people’s spectacularly bad days. Compiling the book meant speaking with an array of subjects who, like me, had endured their own hilarious disasters and lived to tell the tale.

In the interest of public service, I’m sharing the survival lessons we learned along the way.

Don’t be defined by the heat of the moment

People say things they don’t mean when disaster strikes, so you have to remember not to take any insults or accusations too seriously.

Right after I crashed the ute, my girlfriend’s grandfather got in my face and told me I was a “useless f–k of a man”. He then took his Akubra off and stomped it into the dirt, which was both heartbreaking and strangely beautiful.

The point is when everything goes wrong, anything goes. Don’t place too much value on what is said in the heat of the moment.

Trust your gut

Gut instinct exists for a reason, an inbuilt warning system that flares up when you’re about to fail spectacularly.

Adam is a young man who suffered rather nasty injuries at the hands (or paws) of a cat he was minding for a friend. His dad suggested welding the wounds shut with superglue.

Adam’s gut instinct screamed, “this is a bad idea”, but he went along with the DIY remedy only to end up in the ICU hours later with a horrendous infection.

Bottom line: Trust your gut, but never trust a cat.

Count on the kindness of strangers

Loading

You may assume that people who don’t know you don’t care about you, but I’ve found the reverse to be true.

Take the guy I spoke to who fell asleep waiting for his plane at Madrid airport. His bag (and passport, ID, and phone) were stolen, but airport police didn’t buy his story. He was oh-so-close to being deported before a humble cleaning lady took pity on him, acting as his interpreter and forcing police to check the security cameras.

Or how about the new mum who endured the flight from hell with a screaming baby? She was on the brink of a mile-high meltdown when an older gentleman stepped in and offered to lend a hand, serenading the bub with Frank Sinatra tunes until he fell asleep.

Never underestimate the power of human empathy.

Embrace the chaos

Depending on how bad the disaster, sometimes your best bet is to embrace the chaos and deal with the consequences later. This tactic worked a treat for Sarah, a first-year uni student who accidentally threw a raging house party at her parent’s place on Christmas Eve.

Sarah explained to me that as the crowd in her parent’s backyard doubled, then tripled, she had two options: panic and shut it down, or embrace the chaos and enjoy the party. Aware that there would be hell to pay, either way, she opted for the latter.

When we find ourselves in a situation spiralling out of control, it can be tempting to switch into damage control. But if the damage is already done, why not crack another drink and watch it all play out?

Mythologise your mistake

The sooner you start to own your mistake, the sooner it is downgraded from “disastrous day” to “charming dinner party anecdote”. While researching this book, the common denominator among those who had bounced back quickest was a level of comfort with their story.

From the mortified woman who unwittingly had sex in the same room as her mum to the budding law graduate whose false tooth fell out from his mouth during a job interview. They were determined to focus on the funny side, and in the process, their bad day became a great story.

Worst case scenario, you can always turn your most disastrous day into a book. Worked for me.

Thomas Mitchell’s Today I F****d Up (Simon & Schuster) is on sale March 3.